The Anniversary
A woman awoke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying. She asked him, “What’s wrong with you?”
He replied, “Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice; I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years?
Baffled, she said “Yes.”
The husband bawled, “I would have been released from prison today.”
BOOTS
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue rather than get in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, 'they're my borther's boots. My Mom made me wear'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
Her trial starts next month.
Top Signs That You’re Too Old
To Trick Or Treat
You get winded from knocking on the door.
You have to have someone else chew the candy for you.
You ask for high fiber candy only.
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.
When the door opens you yell, “Trick or……..”
and can’t remember the rest.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge
your hairpiece.
You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
THANKSGIVING POEM
‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn’t sleep….
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation, the thought of a snack
became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed
at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, stuffing with gravy,
green beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a sudden,
I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees….
“Happy eating to all—–pass the cranberries, please!”
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
CHRISTMAS RIDDLES
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
. . . . . . . .Snowflakes!
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
. . . . . . . .Crisp Cringle!
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
. . . . . . . .Missile-toe!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
. . . . . . . .Claus-trophobic.
Why did Santa Claus trade Rudolph?
. . . . . . . .He wanted change for a buck.
Where can you find literature about Santa's assistants?
. . . . . . . .In the Elf-Help section!
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor & Gamble?
. . . . . . . .It's true! Comet cleans sinks!
Resolutions....through the years!!
2000: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2001: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2002: I will read 5 books a year.
2003: I will finish the Pelican Brief.
2004: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2005: I will read at least one article this year.
2006: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
2000: I will get my weight down below 180.
2001: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2002: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2003: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2004: I will work out 5 days a week.
2005: I will work out 3 days a week.
2006: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
2003: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2004: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2005: I will not get angry when Charlie tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2006: I will not speak to Charlie.
You Know You Live In South Florida When…..
…You have FEMA’s number on speed dial.
…You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.
…Three months ago you couldn’t hang a shower curtain;
today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
…You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work for
the Weather Channel.
…Your “drive-thru” meal consists of MRE’s and bottled water.
…You’ve been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or tree
worker.
…Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it’s Christmas.
…You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
« Plumber—”We repair what your husband fixed.”
« Pizza Shop Slogan—”7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
«
* Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas!
* You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and
it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.
* The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship:
'Yes Dear!' and 'You are right!'.
* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them....
* The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was
'Go! You might meet somebody!'
* Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
